Enquiries / Support

How to Get Over Infidelity


Infidelity is the reason for many divorces. If you have a good marriage with plenty of communication, a nice lifestyle and marital satisfaction in general, infidelity is less likely but it does happen. If your spouse has been unfaithful, that is no reason for you to run to the nearest divorce lawyer's office. Of course, there will be a lot of pain and plenty of tears, but you can get over infidelity. You have to find out why it happened and make sure it doesn't happen again, if you want to save your marriage.

The first thing to find out was the cause of the infidelity. You might be able to discuss this with your spouse or you might prefer an intermediary or marriage therapist to take part. There is usually a reason for infidelity. These are some of the more common ones:

• Lack of intimacy in the marriage
• Boredom in the marriage
• Less attraction towards spouse
• Under the influence of alcohol
• One spouse wants more sex than the other
• Sexual variety
• The desire to feel important or special
• Sexual addiction
• Loneliness

Men and women both have affairs but about 70% of the time, it is the husband rather than the wife who strays. It used to be a higher percentage and the gap is closing now, with many more wives having affairs too.

Depending on the reason for infidelity and how both partners feel afterwards, the marriage might be able to be saved or it might not. If a spouse went out with his friends and got so drunk that he slept with someone else, woke up horrified at what he had done and confessed to his wife immediately, this shows he is sorry and the alcohol clouded his judgment. He is still at fault and his spouse will have to decide whether to forgive him but, in this scenario, both partners feel as bad as one another.

Another scenario is a man who likes opportunistic sex. He has had about ten lovers since he married his wife and feels no remorse of guilt. He likes the thrill of the chase and a variety of partners. But he also likes being married because he gets a cooked dinner every night and his laundry done. One day his wife discovers what he has been doing. Such a man would probably not be able to change his ways (or would resent doing so, to the detriment of his marriage) so in this instance, divorce might be the right step.

Some extra-marital affairs involve love but many are just about sex and getting attention. What if your spouse has been unfaithful? Here is how to get through it:

First of all, the two of you need to talk. Spend as much time together as you need to. If you both love one another, you need to discuss what happened rather than try and brush it under the carpet.

Don't lay blame. There are a lot of emotions going on, for you both, but you need to discuss the situation rationally if you can, without screaming or yelling. It might seem impossible but it isn't. Try to find a solution, based on the reason for infidelity. If your spouse tells you he was feeling neglected because you have a new baby, you need to try to picture this from his point of view. I know it will seem that he is being ridiculous and acting more childishly than the new baby, but this unhappiness contributed to the affair. Solutions here will be talking more, spending more time together (even time together with the baby) and being honest with one another in the future about your feelings.

Every scenario is different but talking about what has happened is vital.